1. In your book, you talk of the "power of no." What is the power of no?
The power of no is this: When we state strategic nos, we create space for our yeses in personal life, relationships, and work. When we say the right nos, our yeses can take hold and flourish. A key, almost extreme example, is marriage: when we say yes to our spouse, we are forced to "forsake all else" (as the old vows used to say)-that is, we clearly say no to the possibility of marrying any one else. Only when we take that commitment seriously, can marriage truly flourish.
2. What personal experiences have contributed to your belief in the power of no?
While living in Manhattan, serving as pastor, and raising two young daughters, God caught my attention. I had said yes to too many good things. My heart was demonstrating signs of stress, and my doctor began to express concerns. So, at age 38, I found myself taking a stress test to determine whether the pains in my chest were actually something more serious. Thankfully, my heart was good; it was just some mild blood pressure going haywire. Nonetheless, I realized that my health was getting worse due to the pressures of my personal goals, my family's needs, and my ministry obligations. I couldn't just take on a better attitude or try to work my schedule-I had to say no. At that point, my wife Laura and I reaffirmed a key commitment to the practice of Sabbath, which means for us taking an entire day off from the pressures of work and "things to do."
3. There are a lot of self-help books. What makes yours different?
Well, for one thing, I focus on the word no! I use the image of Michelangelo chipping away at the marble in order to sculpt one of the greatest works of art, the David. Michelangelo once commented on this process, "In every block of marble I see a statue as plain as though it stood before me, shaped and perfect in attitude and action. I have only to hew away the rough walls that imprison the lovely apparition to reveal it to the other eyes as mine see it." And that's what we have to do-to chip away at the extras in our lives by stating Nos. Then a life of beauty emerges. In my reading, many self-help books offer success without any tough decisions, without any discipline, without any chipping away. And so I'm offering something different, and I think, more realistic.
4. How might the power of no benefit a person's personal life? Work life?
I took a running start with this in my previous answer. In personal life and work, the easiest place to see the power of no at work is in taking a Sabbath. (In fact, the chapter on Sabbath really formed the starting point for this book.) In Sabbath, we find strength from God through refueling, and we become better in our work as a result. Who would run a car continually and never go to the gas station. So too, God actually sets in the Ten Commandments the directive to take a day off. How much better does it get than that?
5. How might the power of no impact a person's friendships? Relationships with family?
Two key areas that the power of no benefits relationships with friends and family are intentionality and boundaries. (There are many others.) When we say no to pursuing every relationship, we learn to intentionally focus a few key friends that God has given us in order to invest more deeply. Naturally, we do this through prayer and with care. For those in church ministry, this is critical for building the leaders that God has given us. Secondly-and to switch context-parents need to set boundaries-and I suppose youth workers need to as well. Then we help our children and our youth to grow by demonstrating constraints. It's by offering channels and direction that a river flows.
6. You link the power of no with the freedom of forgiveness. Why?
Forgiveness essentially takes away the present power of a past wrong. When we forgive, we say no to continually bringing a past hurt or wrong into the present. We take away its power. Now I'm not minimizing that we someone hurts us it is evil. God sees that. But God forgives us. (God, of course, also sees when we hurt others.) We did not choose to be wronged, but we can choose whether we will let it continue to take away our joy. I've even heard this kind of statement from those who experienced extreme violence, like a murder son or daughter, which blows me away and challenges me to the core. Grudges and complaints are probably closer to most of us. It's tempting to nurse them and to become defined by how we've been wronged. But it steals God's joy in us. It enslaves us. There can ultimately be no freedom in the present unless we say no to holding grudges and pain from the past.
7. Why can no never be the last word?
This is critical. No can never be the last word, because God's Word to us is Jesus Christ in whom "every one of God's promises is a 'Yes'" (2 Corinthians 1:20). The other side of this is that in faith we say yes to God's yes in Jesus Christ. And that yes begins to define our nos. But there has to be life beyond our nos. Nos only provide space and boundaries for yeses to flourish. To return to Michelangelo and sculpting the David, he stated that he merely "chipped away all that wasn't David." And so, we chip away with our nos by the grace of God and create a life of beauty, peace, purpose, and meaning. One last thing: we only say no in the context of our yes to God and to how God has created us.
8. Practically speaking, how can someone learn to say yes to no?
Without trying to be flip, by practicing no. ("Just say no," as it were.) More substantially, saying no is hard-we don't want to cut off all the alluring possibilities that dance around us daily and we don't want to become negative people. So we need conviction and humanity. We need to say no with conviction (that is, to know why we say it) and humanity (we realize it may disappoint others, but it's for a more important yes). We must always go back to why we are saying no, and that gives it meaning and prevents us from simply becoming "Dr. No." Finally, for those in church ministry, practice no by taking a day off. God actually commands us to trust him for a day. We can't tell our people-whether youth or congregations generally-to find joy and peace in Lord while we run around like scared rabbits. The demands will never be done, and God calls us to refresh and renew at least once a week.